Poll for our Reader(s):

Should we have a forum specifically for non-triathlon talk. Not the political shit or favorite music threads. Any crappy site could have that in an effort to generate traffic and monetize users. No - I am (obviously) talking about more Clay Aiken discussions.

Anyone?

Anyone?

Shit Dorks Say

Look at this video from none other than Tri-Sports, which is such an equal opportunity employer! I hear they will even employ individuals who may have been disparaged on certain triathlon forums!

The following people are temporarily banned from Slowtwits:

Bert's Review - Cervelo P5

Being the wannabe that I am, I thought I would post a picture and drop some love. Here are my top reasons to buy the Cervelo P5.

1. Be original - just like everyone else
2. That extra 2 minutes you save on the bike will allow you to break 14:10!
3. You know you want to tell everyone just how much you paid for the damn bike.
4. The only way you can prove that you care enough about triathlon is by buying this bike. Otherwise, I have no time for you.
5. I hear the P5 actually provides additional ass comfort - which is good when I go for a long ride the day after the flashlight accidently gets lodged deep. Again.

Of course, I have never seen the P5. I couldn't afford one. Not with all the little Bert Jr's running around (and those I haven't yet met). But be cool. Buy a Cervelo. You're still going to suck, but do it in style.

Cheap Ass WTC

In an effort to save even more money, WTC has eliminated all but the first letter of participants' first name, and will no longer indicate where the athlete comes from or which age group they are in.

A Brown and A Brown are not happy!

Cheap cocksuckers.

Massive Simultaneous Masturbation Party (Cervelo P5)

Get on it, people!

A Plea to Iron Whore

It's ok. We know you are working hard to keep in shape. Bert loves you.

But don't leave your many fans wanting more. We miss you.

Transition - the 4th Discipline

There is constant talk about swimming and running. Some people even enjoy speaking about riding the bike. But Bert wins his races in transitions. How do I do it? Let me share a little Bert Love with you:

• Practice putting your running pants on over and over and over. I do this in the comfort of my own home. So does Mrs. Bert:
  

• Don't be afraid to help others in need - because they can help you, too. (this one sort of upsets Mrs. Bert)

• Finally - just have fun. That's what this sport is about, right? It isn't about making sponsors happy or anything like that, right?

70.3! No! It's a Fucking Half Ironman!

Gotta love the newbies entering the sport using all the trendy terms.

You know, yesterday I ran a 3.1. And last week I ran a 10.4. A few weeks ago I did a 107.6.

Did you know you don't need to do a 26.2 before you do a 140.6?

I feel better now.

Bert's Bag - $10,000... What do you do?

So after my weekend with none other than Mr. Clay Aiken, I find myself with an extra $10,000 (and a non disclosure agreement).

My question to you - what should I do with that not-so hard earned money? My choices:

• Buy a crappy Cervelo and be like everyone else


• Find some PowerCranks on eBay


• Get my 101 Triathlon tattoos removed (who would have guessed they could fail?)


• Go to Finman camp


• Hookers and blow (only slightly different from the first option)

Oh, and I'm homeless and in bankruptcy, as if that matters. But I know you will ask.

New Idea for Ironman Races--Timing Chutes

You put different width chutes at the run turnaround (13.1 mile point) that happen to correlate to finishing times. You get to try for the smallest chute that you can squeeze your fat ass through. It registers on your chip, and then when you finish, in addition to Mike Reilly announcing, "You are an IRONMAN!", on the Jumbotron will appear your fatness quotient:

• Extra Fattie: YOU ARE LUCKY TO EVEN FINISH, YOU FAT FUCK
• Fattie: GOOD JOB FATTIE MAYBE IF YOU PUT THE FORK DOWN YOU'D GO UNDER 16 HOURS
• Suck: COMPARED TO YOUR BODY TYPE, YOU MUST JUST SUCK CUZ YOU SHOULDA GONE FASTER
• Gazelle: DID YOU FLOAT THROUGH THE CHUTE? WE CAN BARELY SEE YOU!

And then you get put into a corral with your like-bodied finishers. Extra fatties get no pizza!

I know I promised...

I promised others... I promised myself... I promised HIM...

I just wouldn't make this blog about HIM... and yet...

I'm sorry. I'm not sorry.

Full Race Kit while posting on Triathlon Forums?

What do you all think? Am I wrong or just cooler than everyone else?

Free Answers

Today we are playing a little Jeopardy. And being green. Please recycle responsibly!

A: No
A: Yes
A: What is "being a douche?"
A: If you have nipple rings, then NO, otherwise go right ahead.
A: If you would not be embarrassed to have your Mom see you that way, it's fine.
A: If that's the best you can do...
A: Just HTFU.
A: What is something you should never wear?

Find the Cheaters!

Who needs USAT officials at a race, anyway, when there are so many willing photographers and sleuths who can figure it out after the fact? Think of the relief this would provide to actual racers when there is no policing whatsoever during the event.

For practice, start here. We haven't seen anyone accused of cheating at Ironman Arizona.

YET...

Pablo Found Me!!!!!

I'm back and I'm filled with love. And lots of nougat. I look forward to making a valuable contribution to all of you. So let's cut to the chase. What has good old Trackie Bert been up to over the last two years. At the risk of boring you with extensive detail, here goes:

• Was up for the lead role in "Clay Aiken: The Untold Story" on E!


• Ran twice (including a 4 miler!)


• Filled up quite a few Subway cards with punches, thereby providing me with footlong goodness without having to call Mr. Clay Aiken.


• Actually, it hasn't technically been two years. More like 18 months. So this list doesn't seem that bad. Right?

But the sky is the limit for the future. Unless this place fills up with assholes. Then I'm out.

How to Save a Few Grams on Your Ride

Nobody specifically asked this, but we know it will come up, so this is a proactive answer.

Q: What is an easy, cost effective way to save weight on my bike?
A: Jack off before you get on. Win-win.

Send Us Your Triathlon Questions!

Welcome to the start of a new year and a new source of triathlon information. Trackie Bert and I have lovingly archived TriFAThlete, and are moving in a new direction. We continue to have as a vision the dissemination of the truth about all things triathlon.

We will respond to questions posted either as comments on the blog, or as sent to trifathlete@hotmail.com. Fire away, and we'll do our best to keep you firing on all Powercranks(c).